What sister feels like
by theway.youare13
Summary: At first, Meredith said she didn't care about Lexie. But when she realises Lexie is in a bad situation, she does everything she can to help her.
1. Chapter 1

Hello everyone! I know it's kinda late for a Lexie and Meredith fiction, but I've just discovered Grey's Anatomy and anyway... I hope you'll like it. Keep in mind that english isn't my first language, so be indulgent :)

(I'm not sure if I will post a second part, or if it'll be a one shot!)

xx Bless xx

* * *

 _I would situe the story at the end of season 4, beginning of season 5, something like that._

 **What sister feels like**

* * *

 _The first time Thatcher laid a hand on Lexie, she understood that not only she had lost her mother, but the dad she used to love and admire was long gone._

 _Now, it wasn't only about trying to get Meredith to like her. It was about finding something worth believing in. She needed her faith in life back._

 _Lexie always had a positive attitude. Despite a fragile appearance, she had a quality no one else could dare to list as a strength: she believed in good. Even loosing her mother from the hiccup hadn't been enough for her to give up on hope. She basically changed her life plan overnight, to take care of her dad. That's just who she was: compassionate and caring. Molly didn't even offer to help but Lexie didn't mind. She could take whatever life would throw at her, or so she thought._

* * *

As usual after a long day, Lexie was at Joes' bar. Meredith and her friends would be there any minute now. Lexie planned to play it cool for once, just relax while pretend she didn't care. Yeah, she could totally do that!

As soon as Meredith stepped in, her heart began to race though. Lexie was fiddling with her drinking straw, trying not to stare at her big sister but it was so obvious that she was wishing for something to happen. Aware that her red face probably featured how nervous she really was, the brunette decided to offer a hearty smile to great Meredith's presence.

"I hate that you're here. I'm at the hospital and you're here. I'm at the bar, and here you are. You're everywhere!" Meredith hadn't planned on being so cutting.

She could now tolerate to be a few minutes in the same room as Lexie but it's been a long day and she didn't feel like dealing with smiley-poster-sister!

"Yeah, I was..." Lexie kept smiling. Even though her heart ached, even though it wasn't a passionate smile. It still was a smile and it was always better to give someone a polite smile than no smile at all. That's the kind of things her mum used to teach her. To be kind, always.

"You what?" Meredith asked, impatiently. She just didn't get how Lexie could look happy all the time. It was annoying!

"I was just leaving" Lexie finally finished her sentence and disappeared as quickly as she could. "Have a good night!" she shyly articulated.

"Don't!" Meredith added, with a loud sigh.

Lexie was back to back with her sister but she freezed right away. Maybe, just maybe, Meredith was reconsidering the situation, maybe, she would ask her not to leave. Being optimistic was her nature.

" Don't do that!" Meredith finally completed her previous sentence. "Don't play the pity girl! Don't wish me a good evening and please, please, stop expecting something from me! Just stop!" It wasn't supposed to be mean, but Meredith had to take this off her chest for once and for all. "If you want a sister, just chose someone randomly and try and make her like you."

That's when Lexie realised. Meredith wasn't just hard to get through. It wouldn't matter how hard she would try. Meredith didn't want a sister. Meredith didn't want her as a sister, she never would and it was her right.

"Ok." Lexie paused and took a breath. She studied Meredith's face one last time. She wasn't seeking for anything this time, she just needed a second before giving up.

"I'll stop Meredith. In fact, I'm stopping right now." She would never talk about her feelings again so she might as well tell whatever she needed to.

"I am so very sorry I tried to encrust myself into you life. That was a rude thing to do." Her shaking voice and along with the tears running could only tell how candid she was.

Truth was Lexie was ashamed. She never realised until that day, that she was trying to force Meredith to like her. Sharing blood wasn't a justification for taking someone's right to be left alone.

"I won't bother to you again, doctor Gray!" Here it was, Meredith wasn't her sister anymore. Technically, she never acted sisterly, but from now, she would respect it.

Meredith quietly observed the scene, until Lexie disappeared. Of course she did feel bad about it, but she wasn't ready to admit it to herself just yet.

Lexie never wanted Meredith's help. In fact, it's been months now since she moved in with her alcoholic dad but she never even mentioned Thatcher. She just needed to feel considered, to feel like she belonged.

But she would have to keep up living without the security that she is someone's daughter, someone's friend or someone's sister. She would just be no one, and it would be fine.

* * *

 _Every day, Lexie's smile erased itself a little bit more. She just got used to her new routine. During the day, she would focus on being a good surgeon and at night, she would focus on surviving. Sometimes, when Thatcher was really unmanageable, she would wonder why she even kept trying. But it never lasted. No matter how hurtful his words were, no matter how bruising she felt, she never missed a day at work. Working made her feel better. She became bulletproof to Cristina's comments. As a matter of facts, she didn't care about what Cristina, Meredith or anyone thought about her anymore._

It was a new day at Seattle Grace. Lexie usually took a minute outside the hospital to compose herself before entering the building but that day, Derek interrupted her habit.

"Little grey, you're scrubbing in with me this morning!" Derek announced as he placed a hand on Lexie's shoulder.

Lexie, jumped with a start as she hadn't noticed the man approaching her. "Please don't call me that!"

Derek examined her features. "You look tired" He simply stated. But she didn't only look tired, she seemed like she hadn't slept, or even eaten in days.

"I'm fine" Lexie simply retorted. "I'll be ready in an hour".

The brunette spotted Meredith far off and disappeared as quickly as she could. If she had to work with Meredith, than she would act professionally, but if it wasn't work related, than she would just avoid being in her presence. It still hurt, to remember how it was like, when she wished Meredith would be someone special. How stupid was she!

"What's the deal with you sister?" Derek asked as Meredith kissed him.

"I don't know, how would I know?" Meredith shrugged her shoulders. They hadn't talked about Lexie for weeks now. Of course she had noticed Lexie's weird behaviour recently. For example she never ate lunch on the cafeteria.

"What are you gonna do about it?"

"Well, I don't think it's my place to do something." It would be hypocritical pretending to worry about Lexie now, when she did nothing but push her away. "If something's wrong, I'm sure she has lots of perfect happy friends that will always be there for her no matter what." She couldn't help but mock Lexie's happy life, even when she felt like something didn't feel right.

"If my sisters were in some kind of trouble, I would like to know it. That's what family is there for"

"Lexie's not my sister and I am late... I'll see you later!" Meredith's charming voice had the power to enchant Derek. How could he even win an argument when intense blue eyes hypnotized him?

What should initially be a 9 hour procedure turned out to be a 14 hours operation. 14 hours with Derek trying to get Lexie to talk when the girl was focused to just stand on her feet. She couldn't decently pass out when she kept repeating that she was fine. Derek finally cut her some slack after she admitted she was stressed out by the intern exams.

"Get changed! We're giving you a ride home."

"I can drive" Lexie objected. The idea of finding herself in a car with Meredith and Derek was just too much. Lexie struggled to keep calm, but obviously Derek used it as an argument.

"I wasn't asking you. You're in no shape to drive!"

"But.."

"Lexie, it's not up for discussion"

* * *

If she survived 14 hours with Derek, than why 10 minutes in a car with him and Meredith felt like and eternity? She didn't know what felt worse. The fact that they were driving her to hell or the idea the person she used to admire was now her worst nightmare? It was harder and harder not to break down. But she could do it, right? She wouldn't crawl, not now, now in front of Meredith. Lexie focused on the landscape, pretending she wasn't there with them. She had become pretty good at pretending.

"Thanks for the lift!" Lexie said as soon as Derek stopped the car. But Derek didn't move. As the perfect gentleman he was, he would wait until Lexie was actually home.

It was hard to tell what was going on inside Meredith's head. Of course she didn't mind giving Lexie a ride, but it was obvious that Lexie was struggling, and she didn't know what to do about it. If, and let's say if, she wanted to help, than how would she do it? What would she say? No... Maybe it just was for the best if she minded her own business. She would just ignore the brunette.

"You can go now" Lexie insisted. The last thing she needed was for them to catch sight of a drunk Thatcher. Meredith would think this was made on purpose.

"Please, just go!" Lexie pleaded so badly that even Meredith glanced at Lexie.

Too late! Thatcher, alarmed by the headlights, made his way out of the house. He was stumbling, which Lexie noticed immediately.

She could still avoid the worse. She could still bring her father back home without a fight and without anyone noticing. That's what she kept repeating herself. "Dad, come on, let's go inside". Shame was all she could feel right now.

"Where is it, you were supposed to buy me scotch, you bitch, where is it?" Thatcher didn't sound like a human. He was on a trance, not even aware that they were in the street and that the whole neighbourhood could hear him.

When Lexie tried to grab his arm, he violently pushed her backward, and yet, she was still resisting.

That scene, as terrifying as it was for Meredith, also was a tilt. All of a sudden, she knew. She just knew what it felt like to have a sister.

You're the one who's hurting when your sister is the one actually in pain, you can't breathe when your sister is struggling for air and you would give anything to make that pain stop.

"Stay away from my sister!" Meredith shouted while she and Derek ran towards Lexie. Thatcher raised his head but couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

"I said stay away from her!" Meredith loudly repeated once she was a step away from Lexie. The brunette was curled up on the floor, hiding her face. This couldn't be happening.

Derek decided to deal with Thatcher while Meredith knelt down, grabbing Lexie's hand.

"Lexie" She gently called. She tried, but the young girl refused to move. "I can't... I can't breathe" she finally admitted in defeat.

"Okay" Meredith acknowledged. "That's okay", she repeated with reassurance, as she gently picked the woman from the yard and placed her on her lap. "I've got you".

Maternal instinct was never something Meredith would imagine she had in her, and yet here she was, drawing circles on Lexie's upper back. "Just focus on me.. You're okay Lex". As she realised what the last few months must have been like for Lexie, she couldn't hold back her own tears.

Fortunately, Lexie couldn't see her face from when she was. So Meredith just hugged her tighter. "Just breathe Lexie, I'm right here, I'm right here with you. You're not alone."

The brunette eventually calmed down. But Meredith didn't move from where she was. She wouldn't let go, not this time. When Lexie would be ready, than they would figure what to do next. But not until Lexie said so.

Derek finally joined the two sisters, but didn't dare to interrupt.

"Oh god! I'm so sorry!" Lexie suddenly sat down, as if realising she had just collapsed on her sister. " You... you sh... you shou... you need to go... I.. I'm sorry"

Meredith quickly put an end to that sudden agitation. "Hey... Hey... Just calm down... You did nothing wrong here!"

"I have to go.." It was too much to handle for the young woman. If she could just disappear, she would.

"Your dad's back home. I promised I would buy him whatever he needs as long as he settles down" Derek affirmed, hoping it would reassure the brunette. But he got no answer. Lexie didn't have any strength left.

"So here's what we gonna do. I'm gonna drive you and Mer home and then I'll take care of Thatcher's groceries"

Lexie's eyes were empty. She had lost her ability to hope and dream. To always face a situation and make the most of it. Now she was sitting in her yard, motionless and unable to speak or even think right.

"All right, let's go then" Meredith confirmed, gesturing Derek for help. They needed to get Lexie on her feet. That's exactly what she would do. Get Lexie back up. Meredith kindly placed her hands on Lexie's frozen cheeks. "Let's go home" She repeated, as to insist that Lexie belonged with her.


	2. Chapter 2

I thank you all for the kind reviews. They mean a lot!

xxx Bless xxx

* * *

"Come on in" Meredith reassured since Lexie froze in front of the entry door like she had seen a ghost.

It felt wrong. She shouldn't be there. Did she just abandon her father, for a sister who never wanted her? But she was tired, so tired. Her brain was full... or empty. She really couldn't say but the sensation was unbearable.

"Lexie" Meredith gently called one more time "You can't stay here".

Meredith placed her hands on Lexie's shoulders. She would have to lead the way, even though she had no idea what she was doing. Was her sister hurt? Did she need medical attention? She didn't dare to ask. Trust needed to be built, first.

"Just sit down" Meredith suggested, pointing out the couch.

Lexie wasn't listening though. She couldn't stand reality right now. It was too much to handle. Reality hurt. The fragile brunette simply stood in the middle of nowhere, even though she felt like her legs could give up any minute.

Meredith sighed. The little she thought she knew about her sister had melted down the second Lexie collapsed in that yard. Hopefully, she comprehended what it was like, to feel invaded, overwhelmed and finally crushed by every single thing. "Would you like to take a shower?" She tried instead.

Meredith's idea seemed good enough to bring Lexie's attention back. The two women finally exchanged a furtive eye contact. At least, Lexie could hear her, it was a start. "The bathroom's upstairs. I can show you?"

Lexie nodded. A shower would be nice. It would give her time to collect herself or as a minimum, time to be alone. A few weeks ago, she desperately needed someone, anyone. Not anymore. Everything felt different now.

"So here is a towel for you, and if you let the door unlocked I will bring something for you to wear for the night. You've found all you need?" Meredith waited a few seconds, just in case Lexie wanted to answer but it seemed like the brunette was lost in her thoughts again.

"All right, just call if you... need anything" Meredith softly squeezed Lexie's arm, offering an amiable smile.

It would be nice if water could just drown the sorrow. If it could just slip inside your soul and take away the shame. Lexie wondered how comforting it would be if water could just filter the anguish and replace it with brightness.

* * *

"You left her alone?" Derek asked incredulously.

"Yes Derek! She needed space, so I gave her some. " Maybe Lexie felt like family for less than two hour, but Meredith made it pretty clear that she would deal with her sister her own way.

"You don't remember how easily you let yourself sink into that bathtub, don't you?"

This wasn't about Meredith, and Lexie was nothing like her. "Anyway, how did it go with Thatcher?" The woman finally asked, ignoring Derek's comment.

"He's... settled" No details were needed. Lexie should be the one they worry about. "Mer, you need to ask her if she's injured. I mean, really."

Meredith knew all too well Derek's worried look. He wasn't just stating a possibility, he looked pretty convinced that Lexie was hurt. How could he be so sure, if he only spent a few minutes with Thatcher? This couldn't be good. Maybe Meredith should check on her after all.

* * *

Lexie had no idea for how long she had been seated against the closed door. She couldn't help but flinch when she heard the knocking.

"Are you okay in there?" Meredith gently asked, realising it's been forty minutes since her sister shut herself in.

Was she okay? The last few weeks, everything was moving so fast, and it was good in a way. She didn't have time to think, or feel. She just did what she had to. But now, her whole world stopped spinning. And there was nothing she could do to stop the wave of realization.

"Lexie, can you just let me know if you're good?"

The brunette stood up and rubbed her face. She took a deep breath before opening the door.

Meredith did her best not to look too worried. "Feeling a little better?"

Again, all Meredith got for an answer was an unconvinced nod.

"Derek is back. He's downstairs making dinner. You already know I am no chef!"

Lexie's chest tightened. She tried to take a breath but it turned into a painful gasp.

"All right, that's enough!" Meredith didn't mean to be bossy but she had to get through to Lexie. She took her sister's hand and gestured her to sit against the tub "I'm trying to help here, I really am. But I can't do it if you don't tell me what you need!"

Not a single word had escaped Lexie's mouth since they got home and she was now staring the carpet floor. Meredith knelt down in front of her. "Lexie, you need to talk to me!", she finally added in a pleading tone. "Just look at me!"

Looking at Meredith would mean let her enter inside her soul. She wouldn't do that. She needed no pity! She never wanted help, just acceptance. But now she didn't want anything anymore. If she hadn't been so exhausted, she would be really mad right now.

"You're angry at me, I deserve that. I can take it!" Somehow, Meredith read through her mind. "Right now, you have nowhere to go, and I happen to be here, I WANT to be here. So how about, you let me help, and then, when you do feel better, you'll have plenty of time to be mad at me? How's that? "

Lexie hesitated a few seconds before examining Meredith's eyes. She looked like she cared, like she really cared. Was it just too good to be true? She would never be able to get over another disillusion.

The young woman closed her eyes right in time before tears could inundate her sorrowful brown eyes.

Meredith grabbed Lexie's hands and held them securely.

"I just want to sleep" Lexie finally whispered in misery.

"Okay" Meredith reassured. "Let's get you some rest then!" Of course, she would prefer if Lexie would eat first but something bigger was happening here. Lexie was deciding to trust Meredith, and the elder sister would do her best not to disappoint.

Given that Meredith didn't have time to make a bed, she naturally guided her younger sibling in her own room. After she wrapped Lexie into the warmest cover she could find, she just took place next to her, leaning against the headboard. "I'm gonna stay until you fall asleep"

"You don't have to" Lexie mumbled, too tired to argue. She really couldn't remember the last time she felt confident enough to allow herself to rest.

"Lexie" There was one last thing Meredith needed to know before letting her sister repose calmly. She didn't want to ask because, she wasn't sure she could bear the answer. "Are you hurt?"

It was an infinite song with a monotonic rhythm. Every other second, when she tried to fill her lungs with air, her heart ached so much she could die, and then, just like that it faded, until the next time she tried to inhale.

"Only when I breathe" Lexie finally admitted before drifting off to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you all so much for the kind reviews! They mean a lot to me.

Also I wanted to answer some guest review: Yes, we'll know more about what happened with Thatcher eventually, but I don't feel like Lexie's ready yet.

xxx **Bless** xxx

* * *

Lexie was in that place, between sleep and wakefulness. A light smile spread across her face as she gripped the soft material she was wrapped in.

Self-consciousness didn't seize her yet. The sweetness of silence was occupying her soul and it felt so good not to be trapped inside herself for a while. _That's what eternity must feel like._

Unfortunately, her first thought traced the end of eternity. Her mind was awake, and suddenly everything felt wrong. Where was she? Her eyes flew open and her heart began to race. "Crap!" Not only was she at Meredith's but she was in her room, in her bed.

She grabbed her hair in discouragement as she realised she probably overslept as well. "Ok, you can do this!" She didn't know when exactly she picked up talking to herself, but it helped. It filled the loneliness.

* * *

Lexie grabbed the door handle, as silently as she could.

"Where are you going?" Meredith asked curiously.

Lexie's attempt to escape had gloriously failed.

"Lexie?" Meredith called once again, a little amused by the situation. Her sister was in fact in her pajamas, with unbrushed hair and no shoes on.

"I'm late for work!" Lexie declared, still facing the door. For some reason, she thought maybe her sister wouldn't try to stop her, and her initial plan: getting out of that house as quickly as she could, would still succeed.

Meredith let out a mocking laugh. "And what were you going to do? Running barefoot in your pajamas or hitch a ride?"

Realising she was trapped, the brunette turned around. "I couldn't find my clothes or my shoes or... it's late and Cristina's gonna kill me! ... That's not funny!"

"Yeah, it is!" Meredith added, laughing even more now that she took a glimpse of Lexie's awfully neglected face.

Lexie let out a sigh. Once again she had made a fool of herself. It could have been funny, if she'd been able to relax, or enjoy anything, but nothing was fun anymore. Her somber eyes were trying so hard not to show how lost she felt, but once Meredith stare at them, she remembered. Lexie wasn't only trying to get to work, she was also trying to hide the pain she was in.

"There's breakfast in the kitchen" Meredith gently informed.

"I... I just need my clothes back"

"Come on, when's the last time you ate?" Meredith was trying hard not to show her worry even though she wondered if Lexie even had the presence of mind to stay hydrated.

Lexie rolled her eyes, trying to think about it and shrugged, ignoring Meredith's provoking eyes.

"I can't do that." Meredith complained. It came out a little too harsh and Lexie felt her heart jump.

"I'm... I'm sorry... I..." The younger woman didn't know what she was apologizing for but yet here she was, feeling sorry every time she didn't understand Meredith's tone.

"Lex' just hear me out!" Meredith came closer and kindly grabbed Lexie's hand. "I don't know how to do that!" She finally admitted with sincerity, staring the sad eyes. "I can't pry you to eat, I'm not that person. I want to be, but that's not me."

She cared, of course she cared, but Lexie needed to care as well.

"If I have breakfast will you give me my clothes back?" Lexie finally asked with indifference. The only thing she heard about Meredith's declaration was that she didn't want her there. She felt like a burden anyway so it didn't surprise her that much.

"Sure. I'll even give you a ride to... wherever you need to be" The disappointment in her voice was obvious. But there was nothing more she could do. If Lexie didn't want to stay, then she was free to go.

Lexie awkwardly took place around the kitchen table and help herself to a french toast.

Meredith filled a cup of coffee and placed it in front of her sister. "You don't have to worry about work. I called in this morning and explained we were taking a personal day off." Even if she wouldn't admit it, Meredith was sad, this wasn't supposed to end that way. Somehow she pushed Lexie away, again. Maybe, it was just for the best. The two women were so different that there was no way they would finally get along. "As for your clothes, there were on the bathroom floor last night, so I put them in the washer. You can borrow something from my closet. I'll go and see what I can get you"

* * *

That's when she was alone in that kitchen that she realised. Meredith took the day off for her, she washed her clothes, and gave up her own bed for her to get a good night sleep. Meredith did all that for her. This was more than she could take. Torn between gratefulness and shame, Lexie didn't even realise she was crying until it was too late. All of a sudden, air refused to feel her lungs. Her surrounding seemed to devour her and she felt so little. She was trapped in her own mind and nothing could ground her to reality anymore. She grabbed the table in front of her, just to make sure she wouldn't fall. She couldn't fall.

Time has passed but she was unable to say how long.

"Lexie"

Quickly, Meredith placed herself behind the distressed brunette and put a hand on her upper back. The young woman was violently shaking, and kept clinging on to the table as if it were her only salvation.

Looping an arm around her sister, Meredith rested her head on her sister's shoulder. "Just let go" she whispered, arranging her free hand over Lexie's trembling one. "I've got you. You can let go now. I've got you"

It seemed impossible to let go. What if she never made it? What if she was lost forever? What if she would never find her way back on the bright side?

"You can trust me, I'm right here" Meredith kept whispering.

It seemed impossible, but it wasn't. Lexie's grip eventually loosened, even though she couldn't stop the tears from soaking up her face.

"That's right, just breathe" Meredith encouraged, without letting go of Lexie.

"Here" Meredith placed a glass of water mixed with sugar between the still shaky hands. "Drink it"

Lexie had calmed down, except from the occasional tears that kept running down her cheeks. "I'm sorry" she whispered, not daring to face Meredith.

"It's ok" Meredith assured.

"I'm sorry to have caused you so much trouble" Lexie insisted though.

"Lexie, do you think you're bothering me?" Meredith asked incredulously

"You gave me your bed and.. you... I can't be here.. I"

Meredith interrupted before Lexie would get worked up again "Oh Lex, you don't get me, do you? I want you here, I do!"

The brunette's apologetic tone was a confirmation that Lexie didn't hear a word Meredith just said. "You don't have to worry, I can take care of myself" Could she though?

"Lexie, did you hear me at all? You're welcome to stay here for as long as you like"

At that moment, Lexie couldn't believe her sister. After all, she did nothing but push her away since the day she appeared in her life. What changed? Did she pity her now? "I don't know" Lexie admitted.

"I want you here, and I care. But you gotta care for yourself as well. That's what I meant earlier."

The brunette let out a sigh. "I don't need you to feed me. I just.. forgot I guess."

It seemed hard to believe, but that's exactly the story she could read through Lexie's eyes. The young woman forgot. She forgot she existed. She forgot her pain and her needs, she simply pushed through the days, and forgot.

" I think I get it." Meredith nodded "But that stops now. What you feel matters. You matter!"

"What if..." Lexie paused for a second. What if it was easier, to pretend she couldn't feel, what if she wasn't ready to face the pain she was in?

"Yes, you will hurt." Meredith confirmed even though Lexie hadn't spoken her mind yet. "I know what you're thinking. I'm not the sister of the year, but I know pain.

Lexie offered a sad smile. Meredith never had it easy and her presence would make things worse.

"Oh, and don't do that" Meredith pleaded. "Don't look at me like I'm broken. I don't look at you like you are!"

For the first time, Lexie didn't feel hurt by Meredith's crude tone. The brunette finally began to get it. Meredith was offering to Lexie something she never had herself. Meredith was desperately trying to hold out her hand, and to provide security.

Lexie studied her face for a few seconds. Meredith was ready to let down her guard to help her and somehow, it made her feel special. "How do you do that? How do you even know how to make me feel better?"

"Because I know what I missed" Meredith's simple answer was the perfect example of how a weakness could become a strength. "And you, will find your own strength back. And it will be yours forever then."


	4. Chapter 4

I thank you so much for your reviews, they totally encourage me to write faster. Enjoy and let me know what you think, or any suggestions you may have! Feel free to ask any question as well, I like talking to you!

xxx **Bless** xxx

* * *

"Thanks for having me" Lexie awkwardly stood in the hallway.

Meredith didn't even bother looking at her anymore. They had spent a pretty nice day and they were just beginning to understand each other. Or so she thought. Obviously, she was wrong.

Derek had just gotten back from the hospital, and was still trying to understand what exactly happened. "Lexie we should talk about this. Meredith and I can meet with Thatcher, we can get him the help he needs. You don't have to... "

"There's no point Derek, she already made up her mind. " Meredith's patience ran out half an hour ago. Now she would just act with indifference. If her efforts weren't appreciated, then she'd just stop trying.

The begging voice needed something to hold on to. "Meredith, please...He's my dad! I can't just give up on him. I will talk to him. I will make this right.. I need to try." Lexie didn't need much at this point. No blessings, a simple nod from her sister would be more than sufficient. "Would you give up on someone you love? Would you give up on Derek if he were in trouble?"

Meredith aggressively crossed the room and threw herself in front of the naive brunette. "Derek NEVER hurt me!" she yelled with conviction. "Can you say the same about you daddy? Can you look me in the eyes and tell me he never hit you?" Meredith felt as frustrated as she was angry. There was nothing she could say that would matter at that point. They were back at zero: Meredith felt sickened by Lexie's naivety. The only difference was that now, she did care about what would happen to her sister.

The two women stared at each other without speaking for a while. Lexie's eyes were apologizing while she wondered if she'd ever get another chance with Meredith. "I need to try." The brunette whispered once again.

Meredith's frozen eyes were now impossible to read. While she felt a storm preparing itself on the inside, she appeared as cold as ice.

"Your car is at the hospital.. I can give you a ride" Derek broke the unbearable silence.

"She can walk for all I care" Meredith bitterly mumbled. Lexie was throwing herself to the wolves and she certainly wouldn't help with that.

* * *

Once again, the awkward silence was filling the space. Lexie was nervously playing with her fingers.

"Are you sure about this?"

"He's my dad, I... I can handle him" _Most of the time._ Denying reality sometimes is the only choice we think we have.

"He's not your responsibility." Derek insisted although he was sure Meredith already tried to establish that point earlier. He wasn't convinced it was his place to preach but he couldn't help it.

"He's not... It's not like you think it is. Sometimes" The brunette confessed, realising it was the first time she opened up about Thatcher. Her voice was filled with emotion "Sometimes he holds me and.. while he cries, he implores me to never leave him." Lexie's heart was holding on to the precious moments when Thatcher was so heartbroken that he would cry and apologize for hours. "He loves me. He is my dad"

"I'm sure he does" Derek nods, offering a comforting smile. "But what happens when he can't control his temper Lexie?"

Maybe it was weird, but the brunette felt more relaxed talking about it with Derek than with her sister.

"He... I... It doesn't really happen often" Lexie answered with embarrassment

"It doesn't matter and you know it."

"Look, I'm not making any excuses. But I need to give him the benefit of the doubt. I will talk to him tonight. I will tell him how I feel about the drinking."

Derek couldn't say he agreed with Lexie, but since nothing would change her mind, he at least made clear that he was willing to help. When he stopped the car, he asked Lexie for her phone and registered his number and Meredith's. "Whatever you need, we're one call away."

Lexie offered a shy smile, avoiding eye contact. "Tell Mer I'm sorry"

Lexie still needed a minute before getting out of the car. It felt like going back there meant giving up on having a relation with Meredith.

"She likes you" Derek reassured.

"She's mad" Lexie sighed.

"Yes she is. Because she likes you" Derek insisted though. "We could both go back.."

"No!" Lexie cut off. "I mean thank you but.." The brunette opened the vehicle door. "My place is here"

"Take care of yourself"

Lexie nodded. Derek observed as Lexie disappeared. He even waited a few minutes, just in case.

* * *

Sometimes, it helped to know better than others. Just sometimes though. Tonight, it felt like a curse. Meredith hated that she could predict the future. Her sister would get hurt, again. And there's nothing she could do to avoid her pain. Why didn't she stop her? Because it's impossible to save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

Derek was hugging her and she didn't know if she wanted to push him away or on the opposite, clinging on to him for as long as she could.

"I was being nice to her" Meredith grumbled, as if it has been an effort.

"I know"

"She's stupid and immature and credulous and..." Meredith mumbled

"Maybe.."

"No, not maybe, you don't get to defend her. She's stubborn and.." It surely would feel misplaced for Derek to affirm Meredith was even more stubborn. So he nodded, trying not to smile.

"She's not ready to let go of him. When my father died, I would have given anything for a chance to have him back." Derek's compassion towards Lexie was sincere.

Meredith let the new information sink in. But, even her clemency had a limit, and right now, she couldn't take any more on her shoulders. "Still, Thatcher's a drunk. I'm sure he's a pain in the ass."

"She only sees"

"What she wants to see. Stop it now! I don't wanna talk about Lexie anymore, I don't wanna hear her name, and I certainly don't care about what happens to her." Meredith drastically concluded.

It was a little after 3 AM when Meredith's sixth sense woke her up with a jolt. She hated the poignant feeling in her core. Imagination is a tricky power, she told herself. The young woman was about to reposition herself close to Derek when her phone rang. Even though she hadn't answered yet, she already grabbed the closest pair of jeans she could find. It wasn't her imagination after all. She just knew something was wrong.

"Lexie?" The sobbing and the agonizing screams took Meredith's breath away.


	5. Chapter 5

Hi everyone, once again, thank you all for your kind reviews. I just like to know what you're thinking!

Warning: This chapter contains some mention of violence.

xxx **Bless** xxx

* * *

"Lexie are you hurt? Please say something!" The ten minutes ride seemed like an eternity. The muffled sounds indicated Lexie still was on the line, but for Meredith it wasn't enough. "TALK TO ME!"

It has never been that bad, and it was all her fault. It was a pretty normal evening, one of those nights when Thatcher would drink without causing trouble. He would just sit on the sofa and cry. That's why Lexie figured she could talk to him. It would be fine. Thatcher would realise he was hurting himself and he would agree to get help. He'd agree because he wouldn't let his daughter down. He'd agree because he was her father, and somehow, he still wanted to be there for her.

That's not how it happened.

"I'm... sca.. scared..." Between two sobs, Lexie did her best to articulate. "I can't move" She didn't know if it was from the pain or the fear, maybe both.

Meredith sighed, she knew how quickly things could turn badly. "That's fine, we'll be here in no time. Are you safe right now?"

The house was silent, Thatcher had probably fallen asleep, or so she hoped. "Yes"

"Good, that's good Lex! Just listen to me, I'm gonna... tell you five things about me... Just like you did once.. Okay?... Just focus on me..." Anything that would help time go faster.

Meredith grabbed Derek's hand. Too many mixed emotions were now running through her mind but she couldn't let any of them reach the surface just yet. Lexie needed to be her priority. Derek simply nodded, encouraging Meredith to keep going. "I like blueberries, that's one thing. I like blueberry pancake but since I don't know how to make pancakes, I just eat blueberries for breakfast."

"I suck at knitting..."

"I have a lucky charm. Actually if you repeat this to Cristina I won't talk to you again" Maybe it was her imagination, but it seemed like Lexie had calmed herself down. She even heard her chuckle a little.

"Number four, I signed up for a gym membership about two years ago... and still haven't been there once!" Derek wondered if she was making that up, since even he didn't know about it. He would have laughed so hard if now was a good time.

"And last one, I... " Meredith's voice suddenly became serious. This wasn't like revealing a big dark secret, but for her, it was big enough. "I always care, even when I say I don't"

* * *

He wasn't Thatcher, he was just an angry man whose eyes were blinded to love.

When fury won his heart, he forgot how to be human, how to feel, how to react. He was finally settled on a chair, quiet, but he still didn't look like he was really aware of his surrounding. When the bell rang though, he rushed to the door, without opening it.

"Thatcher, I need a word with you" Derek announced firmly but politely.

Meredith was hiding behind him. She wasn't afraid. She just wasn't sure she felt ready for what would happen next.

As realisation hit him, Thatcher ignored the door and clumsily headed towards Lexie's room instead. "You call THEM?! You promised! .. You.. You.. promised you would be good... you're a LIAR. A bitch and a liar! Your mother would be ASHAMED! " He was punching the closed door so loudly that he would end up breaking it.

Derek was trying to find a way in without success.

"Derek!" Meredith urged, alarmed by Thatcher's yells.

"Step back!" Derek finally kicked the door with all his strength.

* * *

"Lexie, let me in"

Meredith just stood in front of the brunette. She felt like breaking down next to her sister. Her heart ached so badly that she couldn't react.

Lexie was curled against her bedroom door, her hair was covering most of her face. Traumatised.

"Okay" Meredith whispered, taking a deep breath. Crawling wouldn't help, so she decided she would act like a doctor. It would be easier, to just pretend Lexie was some random patient. She knelt down in front of the disconcerted woman and check for a pulse.

She noticed a small cut on Lexie's forehead. It didn't seem deep enough to need stitches, but it could mean Lexie hit her head.

"Do you feel dizzy?" Meredith gently asked, taking a closer look at Lexie's cut. "It doesn't look too bad" Meredith reassured.

"Hurts" Lexie finally admitted, still avoiding any eye contact.

"What hurts?" Meredith asked with concern. "Lexie, show me where it hurts?" She urged.

Lexie could see Meredith's lips moving, but she couldn't focus on the meaning. Right now, it was so hard to just exist, to just be.

Meredith suddenly noticed Lexie was holding her arms around her stomach. She initially thought it was some sort of self-protection posture but maybe there was more to it. She delicately tried to lift Lexie's shirt but the brunette prevented her to do so.

"It's ok, I'm not gonna hurt you" Meredith reassured the shaking woman "Let me see"

"God.." Meredith muttered. The bruised abdomen was making it harder not to feel like a sister right now. She carefully examined the bruises making sure not to cause Lexie more pain. "We're going to get you out of here, all right?"

Derek was practically holding Lexie up, as they were slowly crossing the living room. The place was a mess. Every piece of furniture seemed to have suffered from Thatcher's rage.

Derek had managed to deal with Thatcher, until now.

"You can't take her, she's my daughter!" He shouted, positioning himself in front of Lexie. The brunette was biting her lips. She wouldn't be able to contain her pain for much longer. Tonight, it felt like she lost her dignity.

Meredith violently grabbed Thatcher's arm and pushed him away from her.

"You touch one hair on my sister again and I come after you!" In that moment, Meredith's little frame didn't matter. The conviction in her voice combined with her tenacious gaze converted her into a giant.

The fear that was holding Lexie hostage was now eating her alive. She had no strength left. What if, she just gave up? The thought crossed her mind for less than a second, but it was already too late. Gradually, the ground under her feet evaporated itself. This world was just too big for her. She couldn't stand to be in it anymore.

"Meredith, not now!" Derek commended as he felt Lexie collapsing in his arms.

* * *

Meredith nervously opened the car door as Derek carried the unconscious brunette. She hurriedly got in first and grabbed Lexie's shoulders. "You got her?" Meredith nodded while she carefully pulled the young woman in her lap.

"How is she?" Derek asked as he started to drive.

"Her pulse is still weak. She needs a head scan and an ultrasound"

"Just stay with me!" Meredith begged, when Lexie opened her eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

Hello everyone!

I hope you're having a wonderful summer

Thank you so much for still reading my story and also for letting me know what you think. I know I said to some of you that I would update earlier, but sometimes, it is just hard for me to write. I don't really have a good excuse, except that I can't. Sorry for the wait, and enjoy!

* * *

She wasn't asleep. She just pretended to be. It was easier. Of course, Lexie was exhausted, but it would be too easy to simply rest. She didn't deserve that peace of mind.

Silence was threatening. The brunette focused on the sound of her breath, ignoring the best she could that she was in a hospital. The place she worked, and soon, the interns would start rounding. What would they say? What would her father say? What would Meredith say? Suddenly, it was all too much.

Lexie sat straight up, her heart racing.

"Hey... Hey... You're okay..." Derek's strong hands kindly held her.

Lexie shook her head, desperately trying to remove herself from his grip, but he wouldn't let go.

"Easy... you're ok" The reassurance in his voice was undeniable. Or maybe she was too tired to argue.

The brunette nodded, still trying to catch her breath.

It took her a few seconds to collect herself and eventually her head leant on the pillow again.

"Me.." She tried, but her sore throat didn't cooperate. "Meredith?", she finally whispered, staring at the ceiling.

"She's ... around" There was no good answer here. Lying would be useless.

"She's mad" Lexie drew her own conclusions. "I deserve that"

"She's not"

Lexie let out a sigh.

"Ok, maybe she is... But not at you. She's not angry with you Lexie. Tonight was just a lot to deal with. She'll come around."

Lexie just shrugged.

"She will, just give her time. Come on, you need to rest."

* * *

Meredith needed to keep herself busy. She needed to erase from her head the last few hours. One particular scene was playing again and again in her mind: that moment when Bailey blocked her way a few hours ago.

"You can't stay here. We've got her"

"She's my" Meredith desperately refused to let go "She's my sister"

"Let us help her!" Bailey's commanding tone was scary and reassuring at the same time. But it was impossible to argue against her. From the moment she let Bailey taking care of Lexie, Meredith began wandering from a hospital hall to another. Of course, Derek had offered support, but she needed space. She needed to be alone and to stop thinking about Lexie. What if, she had given the girl a chance from the beginning? Could she have avoided the tragic turn of circumstances? She should have.

"There you are. I paged you a thousand times"

She would not melt down again. "I was busy" Meredith made sure her eyes showed no emotion.

"You were busy?" Even though he didn't buy it, Derek still hadn't found a way to go through Meredith's shell. Maybe there was no way. The only thing to do was waiting, until she was ready to thrust the world again.

"That's right I was busy" She protected herself the only way she knew how.

"Lexie's awake"

"Good" Meredith acknowledged.

"She's asking for you"

"Well... you tell her that I'm busy... since you know.. I am!" Meredith started walking again but Derek grabbed her arm.

"Meredith stop! She's ok! No internal bleeding, she just has a concussion. She's fine." It surely wouldn't do any good to raise his voice, but at least he would get a reaction from Meredith. Any kind of reaction would be better than pretending that she was fine.

Meredith's rage finally reached the surface. "She's dehydrated. She suffers from exhaustion. I... I can't look at her right now! Thrust me, she doesn't want to hear me!" And maybe she was right after all.

* * *

It was about noon and since the interns were all camping in front of Lexie's room, the brunette pretended to be asleep once again. Pretending seemed to be a common passion for the grey's sisters. They didn't mean to be rude, they just didn't know how hard life could be. She just hoped that they were too busy laughing to notice the occasional tears escaping her shutting eyes.

An outcry finally made Lexie jump. "What are you looking at?" Some loud footsteps, and then silence again. Until the door opened.

"Now drop the act! I know you're not sleeping!" Meredith exclaimed. _Even though you're supposed to_ , she wanted to add, but managed not to.

She had prepared a good "I told you so" speech. She would just have to spit it out. And she wouldn't care about Lexie's puppy eyes. After all, Lexie didn't think twice before running back to her precious jackass dad.

Except that she couldn't.

Lexie looked so little in the austere hospital bed. So little and scared.

Meredith just switched off for a few seconds, looking out of the window.

Lexie timidly broke the silence. "I'm sorry"

 _Sorry wasn't enough._

The muffled sniffing was the only indication that Meredith had been crying. When she finally faced Lexie, she was gathered. Much more calm than a few minutes before. "Do you realise how dangerous that was, Lexie? Do you realise you could have died?" She genuinely asked.

Lexie's heart stopped for a second.

"You don't" Meredith finally sighed. "You thought, maybe things could turn back the way they were. You were hoping that your dad loved you enough to quit drinking."

The brunette's eyes were looking for an escape way. But the elder sister grabbed Lexie's hand. "It would be simple, if we could just stop hurting the people we love, right?"

"I'm sorry" Lexie repeated with a shaky voice, not caring about the tears escaping her eyes.

With her free hand, Meredith gently dried some of the tears running down Lexie's face. "I know. I'm sorry too"

"You need to rest" Meredith finally concluded.

Lexie's unconvinced nod was easy to detect. "What is it? Are you in pain?"

The brunette just shook her head but there was no way to know if she was telling the truth. She felt way too ashamed to admit to anything right now.

"Are you scared?"

Lexie, obviously nervous, kept biting her lips. Since it was all her fault, she didn't deserve to be comforted.

"You know, it's okay if you are." Meredith casually added. "Now move!" She joked, climbing in the bed next to Lexie. "Because of you, I haven't been sleeping all night, the least you could do is share"

It felt weird, for a few seconds, but it also felt nice, to be able to hold her sister tight. _Nobody's gotta hurt you again_ , Meredith wanted to promise, but the words wouldn't come out. Instead, she just stroke the brunette's hair. Next step wouldn't be easy. Lexie would need to talk about what happened. Everything that happened.

"Don't leave" Lexie mumbled before allowing herself to sleep.

"I won't"


	7. Chapter 7

Hey guys!

Since I'm going away for a few days, here's a new chapter. I wrote it quickly because you asked for an update, so I'm sure my english isn't at his best! Sorry for that! Yeah, I told you that Lexie would have to talk about Thatcher, but today I couldn't... It's kind of hard to write. I will, eventually.

Enjoy! :)

* * *

Lexie left the hospital one day ago. Physically, she was fine, except for the exhaustion. She'd been sleeping most of the time, and still she felt as if her soul couldn't find peace. She would never be the same as she once was. She didn't even remember how it was like, to look at the world with innocence.

"Please, don't" Lexie was crying in her sleep. It hadn't been the first time, that's why Meredith has been quick to react. She was always careful to let the bedroom's door open, and to keep her ears open, just in case.

"Lexie" Meredith gently shook her.

"No.. please, I'm so.. sorry"

"Lexie, wake up!" The elder sister had no choice but to shout a little louder. Fear is like a disease with no cure and Meredith couldn't stand to just contemplate her little sister's suffering.

With her trembling hands, Lexie grabbed the sheets she was wrapped in, and hid her head. Even if she was completely submerged, it was impossible to ignore how violently she was sobbing. The shame of fear is much worse than fear.

"It's ok. You're okay Lex. You're safe" Meredith reassured, while she rubbed her back in slow, soothing circles. "It's gonna be just fine"

After a while, Meredith uncovered Lexie's face, in order to avoid a full panic attack.

"Don't" Lexie pleaded, grabbing the soft material once again.

Meredith placed her hands upon Lexie's. "You know we're gonna have to talk eventually"

"Please.. just... not now..." Lexie stared crying once again.

Meredith let out a sympathetic sigh. "Okay", she whispered, "Not right now"

It was a little after 4am and maybe it wasn't the best time to push Lexie after all.

"Do you think you can go back to sleep?"

Lexie nodded "I'm sorry for.."

"Don't...!" Meredith couldn't hear one more apology for today. It felt like Lexie was almost sorry for just walking around the house. Meredith was about to leave the room when she had to be reassured as well. "Lexie? You're safe here, you know that, right?"

It took a while for Lexie to answer. She rolled her eyes as if there was a good answer to the question and if she concentrated hard enough, she'd find it. "It's not that" She finally admitted, staring at the wall.

"Than what is it?" Meredith made her way back near the bed and took place next to Lexie once again.

"Everything feels wrong"

"Okay" Meredith's voice was filled with compassion.

"It's nice of you to... but I never wanted that. I wanted you in my life so badly, but... not like this. I never wanted for you to know about my dad... Or you dad... well, about Thatcher." Lexie was rambling.

Meredith stared at the brunette who was now in a sitting position. Lexie had to know it wasn't just pity. If she wanted to gain the brunette's thrust, she had to open her heart as well. "I love you Lexie"

Lexie's eyes popped out from astonishment. "You what?!"

"I do" Meredith confirmed. It felt way more natural than she imagined it would be. "I'm probably not the sister you imagined and I'm not good at this. I don't know what you need, I don't know..."

"I love you too" Lexie whispered with shyness

"Do... you wanna tell me about these nightmares you've been having?"

Lexie's face darkened all of a sudden.

"I'm not sure I ever will."

"Can you tell me something, anything? Can you try?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know... How do you feel?"

"I feel... sorry" Lexie admitted, feeling her throat shrink

That word that bothered Meredith so much had a much more deeper meaning that what she initially thought. Lexie needed to tell what was on her mind, and Meredith wouldn't interrupt her...

"If I... If I could have just found a way to help him... If I... I could have stopped him.. and now I'm sorry for everything... For everything... What I did... What I didn't do... I'm sorry for letting him... hurting me.. and for.. for everything. There's no coming back from that... I can't... I don't know how to give up on him. And I don't know how to not give up on me." The tears were running freely on Lexie's burning cheeks and her heart felt like it might break from sorrow anytime.

Meredith didn't talk for a while, neither did she comfort Lexie. She just listened and tried to understand how it was like to see the world from Lexie's point of view.

"You were all that you father had left and he was all that you had. But his heart was filled with rage and yours wasn't. You decided to come up here to help him out, you gave up your life for him. YOU decided to make the most of a bad situation."

"But I failed"

"He failed you. That's not the same" Lexie finally lift her head.

"You don't have to feel ashamed for what happened to you."

"But I do" Lexie admitted with embarassment

"Well, we're going to have to work on that, then" Meredith affirmed.

"Do you think I can come back from that...? I mean... I don't thrust myself anymore"

"Well, I thrust you even when you don't thrust yourself. That's how little I know about being a sister."

"Thanks Mer. I'm sorry for.."

"No.. don't be sorry for being who you are. Not with me, nor with anyone."


	8. Chapter 8

**_Hey everybody! I haven't uploaded in a very long time! I'm sorry. Sometimes, I want to write, but I don't have the time. Sometimes, I have the time, but I don't feel like I can write. My stories don't have a lot of actions, I'm sorry... I'm aware of the problem, I just like writing dialogues. Hope you don't mind! I'm not even sure you'll be reading!_**

 ** _Please let me know what you think, I like talking with you guys!_**

* * *

"It's quiet, I like it here!" Lexie insisted on establishing herself in the attic. Maybe, she still felt like a burden, or she just needed some time and space. It was hard to tell. The brunette offered a polite smile, while she began organising her effects.

That's all it was, a polite smile. When the heart smiles, the eyes can tell. But Lexie didn't even bother making eye contact with her sister.

"Are you sure?" Meredith was trying to keep the mood light, but the detached attitude made her sound like she didn't care.

It seemed like any of two cared.

"I'll let you settle in then" Meredith dropped the last box with Lexie's belongings and opened her mouth, as if she wanted to add something, but it was pointless. She didn't know what to say anyway.

* * *

Lexie was glad to be back to work, it kept her mind busy. But when the night fell, and she barricaded herself into the attic, it was another story. Insomnia had become her new best friend, and even though she was exhausted, she feared that moment when there was nothing more to do except to relax.

She just was just lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and waiting.

Waiting to feel better?

Waiting for the day, waiting for the storm, waiting for the anger to vanish, or for the sadness to win, she didn't know. But she was waiting, for something.

Anything.

"Lexie?" Meredith knocked.

"It's open"

"I saw the light on. Are you ok?"

There was no way Meredith could have seen the light from downstairs.

"Yeah, sure. I'm fine. Why... Why do you ask?" Lexie rambled.

Meredith studied her sister's poker face for a few seconds, and then made herself comfortable in the bed, right in front of the brunette, like she knew exactly how to play this.

"Mer what are you doing?" Lexie asked, slightly uncomfortable.

"It's 3 AM" Meredith pointed out matter-of-factly.

"Thanks?" Lexie tried, but except for the defiant glance Meredith gave her, the strategy of avoidance didn't work.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" The elder asked.

"Why aren't YOU sleeping?" The contrast between Meredith's casual tone and Lexie's increasing nervousness was more and more obvious and unintentionally funny.

"I'm jet lagged" Meredith seriously answered. "Surgeon's jet lag is a thing!" She added, as a crucial complement of information.

"I lost track of time, sorry if..."

Meredith's snigger said it all. "Cut the crap Lex!" The elder sister comfortably stretched out in the bed, a clear indication that she wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon. To be honest, she'd been checking outside the attic's door for the past few nights, trying to figure out what to say, or how to act. She did want Lexie to know she cared, but she didn't want her to know she worried. "Wanna talk?"

"Not really" The brunette sighed. It felt like the air was too thick for her to breathe with no effort. She had become so used to it, that she didn't remember a simpler way to function.

"We're surgeons. When there's an emergency, we don't feel... we react." Meredith didn't try to make Lexie look at her, neither did she change tone. It didn't have to be an important heart to heart conversation. She would just put her thoughts out there letting the brunette free to decide what to take.

"That's only when we're done that we realise what just happened"

"Yeah, and we can decide to feel good about what we did. Because, we try to do good... so... we should feel good" Lexie was aware of the theory. That's why talking didn't help. She knew how she was supposed to feel. It just didn't match the reality. That's why it was hard to breathe. Because, everything was all right now. She should be fine. But she wasn't. She was grateful for her sister's interest though. It was nice to see her try, but it didn't matter, not really. Things had lost their meanings.

"You don't get to decide how you feel. Optimism is bullshit!" Meredith interrupted Lexie's nonsense. "You don't have to feel bad because you can't feel good!"

Meredith's compelling logic struck a cord with Lexie's heart. It felt warm, as if, the sun could still rise after all. But was it too good to be true?

" I don't?" Lexie asked on the verge of tears. She now stared at Meredith, because, she had to find some assurance. The only fact that she was fishing for hope inside Meredith's speech was pretty representative of the level of despair she was in.

Meredith let her sister observe her for a few seconds. She was calm and confident at the same time. "You either feel good, or you don't. It's okay either way. Just accept things as they are, not as you want them to be."

"So what you're saying, is... Never mind!" Instead of hope, she found confusion. Did it mean, there was nothing she could do? Was that all her sister had to say?

"We can't choose what we feel. We get to decide what we DO with what we feel. That's the real power. Keep in simple. Don't lie to yourself. You can lie to others though... It's easier!" Meredith's sarcasm wasn't just a defence reaction, but an absolute way of life!

"I can't sleep" Lexie admitted, sitting back against her pillow.

"I know"

"What my dad did, that wasn't right." Lexie shyly began, making sure Meredith didn't mind. "I'm not... like scared or anything... but...I think about it"

"Do you need to talk about it, Lexie? Because, I can listen. You know I can!" Meredith seriously declared.

Trusting Meredith still required a leap of faith, but in that matter, Lexie had no doubt that she was being sincere. Meredith could take anything, or so it seemed.

"Thank you.. but I just... don't need to talk about him. Not really. I wouldn't know what to say! "

"Well, try it my way then... What you're feeling, right now?"

Lexie shrugged. "I'm fine.."

"Fine's not a feeling"

"I'm..." Here it was again, the air was too thick and it filled her lungs with anxiety. She remained silent for a moment, trying to feel, without letting the bad wibe win. It was obvious that she was struggling.

"Lexie" Meredith gently called, to remind her she was safe.

"I'm angry" Lexie whispered through clenched teeth.

"And what you're gonna do about it? Wanna punch the wall?" Meredith challenged

"What?! No!" Lexie answered with aversion, but there was something she could do to relieve the pressure.

"Than what?! You're angry, what can you do about it, seriously?"

Lexie jumped out of bed, looking for something very specific.

"Found'em!" Lexie grabbed her blue trainers at the bottom of a sport bag. "I'm gonna go for a run!"

"What? I said SERIOUSLY! Are you insane?! Of course you are!" Lexie most certainly wasn't her sister at this moment.

"Or else I have tequila?" Meredith suggested but Lexie didn't even listen at this point.

* * *

She was running through the darkness. A step for each time she pretended to be fine, for each day she felt she had no choice, for each bruise she didn't deserve. She ran, until she couldn't anymore more. Then, in the middle of nowhere, she let out a wild scream, and burst into tears.

It felt good.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey guys, I know some of you asked me to keep going. The truth is sometimes, I don't know what to write about. I mean, I don't know if you noticed, but there's never any action in my stories, I just make the characters speak, and I guess I was kind of scared that one of you would tell me that my stories don't evolve. Anyway, here is a new chapter, hope you'll let me know what you think.**

* * *

It was Meredith's birthday. A bunch of friends had shown up at the house. Not a big deal, just Cristina, Callie, Alex and some others. It wasn't like a party or anything, but here there were, drinking and laughing.

Lexie was hanging close to the window, fascinated by the snowflakes. If you look at them from far away, they all look the same, but if you pay close attention, you notice how unique and beautiful each one of them is. And yet, they all fit in together, belonging to something bigger than themselves. One snowflake doesn't make a difference, it doesn't even get noticed. Snow is what makes everything magical and pure.

A single snowflake. That what she was. Insignificant and unnoticed.

"Hey, are you ok?" Derek had become like a big brother to her lately. They didn't speak much, but she knew he was always keeping an eye on her. She would act like she didn't notice, but it made her feel safe in a way.

Lexie offered a warm smile. "Yeah, I'm fine". She almost whispered with her sweetest voice. "I'm good" She added, with more conviction.

"Come sit with us" He encouraged, placing a hand on her shoulder.

Lexie observed the little gathering of friends, speaking loudly, almost shouting.

"I think I'm gonna throw up" Informed Cristina matter-of-factly.

"Move away then" Meredith pushed her best friend away from the carpet, anticipating how hard it would be to get it cleaned up.

"Consider this is my gift to you" Cristina added, running upstairs.

Everybody started laughing even louder than before.

"Oooh" Derek acknowledged, as realization kicked him. Lexie was probably uncomfortable around everybody drinking a little too much.

"No no" It wasn't that. "I don't mind them" She really didn't.

Meredith and Derek exchanged a look, and the brunette couldn't help but notice the worry in her sister's eyes. Or maybe it was annoyance. She couldn't tell for sure. Anyway, tonight was Meredith's day, and she was being selfish. She could at least try to fit in. She tried not to appear too awkward, as she joined the inebriated doctors around the table.

Meredith examined her for a few seconds but decided not to pry. After all, it would do no good right then.

"Here, have a drink!" Without even waiting for an answer, Callie took the matter in her own hands and prepared something for the younger girl.

"Let her be" Meredith interrupted casually

"It's fine, a drink would be nice!" Lexie smiled politely.

"Seeeee! A drink makes everything nice"

It was just a joke, she didn't even care. But suddenly, there was a voice appearing in her head and preventing her from having fun with the others.

 _You're weird. It's not just a feeling, everybody noticed that you're different._

Lexie shrugged and pretended as she didn't hear it, but the voice got louder.

 _What do you think you're doing here? You don't fit in and never will._

The attention was back on Cristina, who was now ready to absorb more Tequila.

"What are you doing Mer, seems like you can't follow up tonight. It must be the old age."

"Hey… you're older than me!" She protested as she swallowed up her shot.

The atmosphere was comfortable and everybody was trying to unwind from the surgeon's life.

 _They all hate you. They just pity you._

Here was the voice again. Lexie took a long deep breath and did her best not to give it too much attention. She was already ruining her sister's life, she didn't need to upset her tonight. It was too late now, the voice wasn't just going through, it was encrusting inside her soul, inside her mind. The voice in her head was her own and it spoke the truth, or so she thought.

 _I don't belong._

She kept telling herself, feeling her heart speeding up. It seemed like everybody was looking at her and laughing at how stupid she was.

In reality, nobody even noticed anything. They were way too busy counting how many seconds Alex could keep drinking while holding his breath. Cristina punched his nose. When he spat out with his mouth full, it was euphoria as its best.

 _They hate me._

Lexie finally concluded inside her mind. Her heart squeezed so deeply that it pushed the sadness out. She was going to crumble, from embarrassment and shame. She felt like a mistake, like a disease that nobody wanted but couldn't be cured just yet.

She was a snowflake in the desert, ready to melt down.

Without saying anything, she just disappeared upstairs. Nobody would notice.

* * *

"Lexie? Lexie what is it?" Meredith knelt down in front of the trembling form. The brunette was hunched up against the bathroom wall.

"Hey, listen to me, you're having a panic attack… it's okay." Meredith informed as calmly as she could. She could tell that her sister was having a bad night, but it didn't seem that catastrophic. Now she wondered if there was something she could have done to avoid this pain.

Lexie couldn't decide herself to look at her sister. She ruined everything. Her life, and now her birthday. For a second, she hoped she just died there, on the bathroom floor. It would all be easier, for everyone. But the thought of her dying scared her even more. Her head was resting on her knees, and she was trying to hide how much she was really struggling for air.

Meredith knelt down in front of her little sister, as close as she could.

Gently, she placed her hands on her sister's shoulders.

"Easy" She just whispered.

"Slow down… you need to" Meredith felt her own heart break. She knew all too well how it felt to completely lose control of her own emotions.

"Lexie", she repeated once again with a soft voice, but it was useless! The youger sister didn't want to breathe, she didn't even remember how to.

So Meredith didn't give her a choice. She simply placed her sister in her arms, and held her tight. It felt as if it was aggravating the situation at first. Meredith's eyes opened wide when suddenly there was no breathing sound at all.

Finally, Lexie let out a wimper.

"Just relax, let it happen" Meredith whispered, stroking the brunette's hair.

"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry, I'm sorry…"

"Don't be" Meredith reassured

Between two sobs, Lexie wouldn't stop her little mantra. "I'm really sorry, I'm so.. so.. sorry" Meredith finally let go of the brunette, she needed to scan her eyes in order to understand something at the situation.

"What for?"

"For… ruining your birthday.. for… ruining your life… I'm sorry… I shouldn't… I.. I'm.. it's… I'm sorry…."

"Lexie…. I don't care about my birthday, you must know it by now!"

True. Meredith didn't mind the presence of her friends, but she never really celebrated her birthday. To her, it was like any other day.

"Well, I cared" Lexie shyly admitted, drying her swollen eyes. After a long and trembling breath, she kept going.

"I made you a present, but.. nevermind.." Lexie looked away, way too embarrassed to finish her sentence.

"You made me a gift?!" She tried to sound as casual as ever, but there was something new in Meredith's voice. It could have been curiosity but Lexie could have sworn it was something else, like Meredith was touched or something.

"Well yeah. It was… it was a stupid tradition between Molly and I. We… we would always have to create something for each other instead of buying stuff. You know, it's actually hard to please someone, with just your imagination… and well.. I wanted to give you something special."

"Technically it IS still my birthday"

"Than I thought.." Lexie let her eyes fall on the ground.

Meredith gave her a nod, as a way to tell her to keep going.

"I thought I was already ruining your life.. being all weird and living here… I thought.."

"You think too much" Meredith stated with amusement and seriousness at the same time.

"I know"

"Way too much. Lexie, I want you here, I told you that, and it also applies for when you're weird."

"But.. you hated me.. before" Lexie had to say it. A few months had passed, but always wondered if she was leaving here because her sister pitied her. She couldn't get this thought out of her head.

"There was this time, you were with George, on the maternity floor.. and… wanna know what I told myself that day? You were the kind of girl that could have it all. You're beautiful, you're smart, you're kind." Meredith was surprised to even say those words loud, but she figured Lexie could use them.

"I.. didn't hate you Lexie" She confessed.

The brunette offered an unconvinced smile.

"And I wanna see my present!" Meredith insisted. "So.. where is it?"

Lexie came back a few seconds later, with what seemed like a piece of paper.

"It's a drawing." Lexie announced.

"The other day… I was in the gallery while you were operating on this young boy, and, I thought… It's stupid I know.." Lexie interrupted herself, not sure if she should continue, but it was too late to take it back now.

"For years, I wanted to meet you. I imagined you as a strong woman, admired by everyone. Like a force of the nature, you know, a beautiful storm that nobody can stop. And from the gallery, that's exactly what you were, and I wanted to capture this moment… so here it is"

Meredith observed the drawing for a while, in total silence. It was impossible to predict what she was going to say.

"I don't know what you see in me, but… what I know, is that I need you to keep seeing it, so that I become that woman that you're talking about." Meredith's voice was deep, almost on the verge of tears. "Thank you for that" The older sister's added, while pressing the drawing against her.

It was all new to her as well, she never had anyone who believed in her, it felt good and scary.

"Oh, and Lexie, don't ever… ever.. apologize for being special"

That night, in the bathroom floor, Lexie knew she did something right. Maybe, her sister needed her just as much as she did. She was just a snowflake and yet, she could make a difference to someone's life.

 _You're not weird, you're special,_ said the voice in her head, as she smiled to herself.


End file.
